For me, this April has been one of the most unproductive months ever, work-wise, and that was mostly out of my control. Yes, I knew that the first 2 weeks would be slower due to the holidays, but I didn’t imagine the last 2 weeks would also be that way. So, it was the perfect opportunity to get out of the comparison game and let go of the notion that “I’m not productive enough” because I could have used that free time to write and I didn’t. But, let’s not rush into things and start with the beginning like every good story starts, right? 😉 (Gosh, I did miss writing. 🤩)
The story begins in 1987, no, it really wasn’t that year, but I’m not sure when I started thinking that not doing more equals laziness, or when I’ve instilled in my mind the idea that I always have to fill my free time with something and be productive. But, getting older (and wiser 🤪) made me realize that I don’t always have or want to hustle, that I value my free time a lot and I can say that it’s almost sacred to me, that I don’t care how others are doing things because I’m doing what’s right for me, that I’d rather work smarter than harder, that I don’t always have to be productive. I know, it may seem a little bananas to think this way when society teaches us that in order to be happy or successful we need to do more, buy more, achieve more, but now I’m mature enough (and self-educated) to know better, to understand what I value most in life and what’s best for me. So, even if I still have some occasional thoughts of not doing enough or I am still comparing myself with others and coming up short once in a while, I pretty much achieved a work-life balance and I’ve put my boundaries into place like, not answering the phone after work hours or in weekends (with some exceptions because things aren’t perfect and we don’t always have a choice).
But, I didn’t have before such an “unproductive” month after finding that work-life balance (excepting the time when almost the whole world has become “unproductive” in the Covid era, besides those on the frontline, but that was another scenario, one filled with fears and worries, one when we were busy taking care of our mental and physical health) so yes, this April I did have to do a little work on myself to get rid of some feelings of shame/guilt/not enoughness that have arise given the different circumstances I am in today and by that I mean, nowadays I have a blog and I’ve started to write two books, so I do have something else to focus and work on apart from my job, and I didn’t.
I didn’t just make a choice to not write anything last month, I didn’t set out to take a break from writing or something like that and I actually have a few articles almost ready to be posted, they need some changes and corrections but I don’t have to start from scratch, and I did give some thought on finishing them so I can post something in April. But, things don’t always go as planned and I used that as an opportunity to get rid of some limiting/damaging beliefs.
Realizing that the first half of the month it’s gonna be easy and freer work-wise, I’ve decided to take advantage and treat that period of time almost like a vacation, yes, I was always checking my work email, being present when the phone rang and dealing with the administrative tasks when they arose, but I got out of bed after 9 AM when I didn’t have to wake up for anything, I read a lot during work hours, I went out earlier in the day and even had lunch with a friend on a work day, something I don’t normally do. And, since I wanted to spend my time almost like how I do on vacation, I pushed writing for later on, sometime after Easter. So far, so good.
Well, what comes with having a lot of free time on your hands? A whole lot more of overthinking. And what comes when you’re hearing others are really busy and you are not? The comparison game and thoughts of shame/guilt that you’re not doing more and are being as productive as those around. And what comes with overthinking when you’re not only an overthinker but also a highly sensitive person? A whole lot of ruminating about the disappointments/hurts/stress experienced lately. And what comes after all of that has surfaced? Love, happiness and a sense of peace. No, I’m just kidding after the fact. 🤪 Of course that nothing good can come after a spiral of negative thinking, a lack of motivation to do anything, feelings of shame and guilt, if you don’t take matters into your own hands and start changing your thoughts. So, I did just that: I chose to focus on being more, instead of doing more; I decided to use the time that the Universe has carved out for me to get better on an emotional level and improve my mental health; I realized it was the best moment to let go of the idea that I’m not being “productive enough”.
Well, what comes when you’re having a lot of time to process your emotions? Healing. And what comes when you do the work to change the way you’re thinking or feeling? A better mood. And what comes when you refuse to follow society’s bs rules of how much you “should” work and its requirements for feeling successful? Freedom to find your own definition for success, the possibility of going after your wants and dreams, and not after society’s shoulds, freedom to feel YOU ARE ENOUGH even if you don’t meet the imposed societal standards. And what comes when you don’t care anymore about how much other people are doing and stop comparing yourself to them? A big smile on your face, a sensation of feeling lighter, freedom to do you, even if it means doing less. And what comes when you get rid of the belief that “you’re not productive enough” and the feelings of shame/guilt attached to that idea? The opportunity to live your life in your own way; a sense of peace by not holding inside yourself anymore of those unwanted/wrong emotions, since it’s not right to be feeling shameful or guilty because others are telling you to feel so; the choice to spend your time however you see fit or want, regardless of how society tells you “should” be using it; the understanding of the fact that your worth doesn’t come from how much you work; the discovery that “YOU ARE ENOUGH” not matter how productive/not productive you are. And, because for me freedom equals happiness, I do feel pretty happy lately.
There were times in my life when I was unhappy because I felt like I’m not productive enough and judged when people around me praised the ones who worked over time and until late in the night, especially since I was saying I don’t do that. The thing is, I always valued my free time more than money, so I stayed late at work or was available on weekends only when it really was unavoidable, but in general my work phone is on silent after work hours. And for sure there will still be a few moments in my future when I will have some thoughts of not enoughness, but since I no longer care about what other people think of me because of not wanting to answer the phone after work or not working as much as them, and since I don’t put anymore the equal sign between being productive and my worth/my value as a person, those moments will be fleeting and rare.
My mental health and my happiness are more important than anything else, so I need my downtime, I need this defined separation between work and free time because for me they are like church and state, and I do want to make time for myself, my hobbies and my loved ones, even if I am not “productive enough” in the period allocated for work. Also, in order to be in a better place mentally and be happier, I no longer compare myself to those around me (like 95% of the time since I’m not perfect 🤪).
The best part is, now that I think for myself and not follow society’s way of thinking and doing things, I really know who I am and how I want lo live my life, so I’ve discovered that: I don’t have the mentality of working more for a future that I don’t know what will bring since tomorrow isn’t guaranteed to anyone (by that I mean, I want to have enough time and energy to enjoy the present moment, not always thinking I can do the things that make me happy soon or to postpone the proper rest I need/fun activities/ME TIME/etc for a later date because today I’m being too busy for that, and sometimes to choose going for an immediate reward instead of playing the long term game); I really don’t want to slay hard for “the money that will make me happy in the future” while being miserable in the now, no, I want to make today things that are bringing me happiness and a part of that is respecting my free time and using it how I see fit. The thing is, I’m the kind of person who crosses the line between work and play only when I’m doing what I love or something that I’m passionate about, and that’s why I did write for my blog and books on weekends, and a few times even after 11 PM. And, since I don’t love my everyday work, for me it’s just a job and I don’t want to give it more time or find ways to be more productive at it. I’m doing everything that’s required from me, but when there are pockets of time in the work hours that are free I’m not searching for new clients, as others may do. So, I might not be as productive at my job as some people are, but that’s fine by me.
In conclusion, I may not be “productive enough” in the eyes of society, but in my eyes it looks different because:
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- I don’t have the need or desire to always be or feel productive.
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- In terms of productivity, I have an all or nothing mentality and by that I mean, there are days in my life when I’m busy at work and after working hours I also choose to do something for my projects, and there are days when my workload is small but I’m not doing anything “productive” in that time, like writing.
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- Being “productive enough” has a different meaning to different people.
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- I’m being more productive when I’m doing something I love.
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- For me, productivity is not tied only to the job you’re having.
In April, I may not have been “productive enough” according to society’s standards but that helped me let go of the idea that I need to be productive in order to feel good about myself or worthy, that brought me time to heal a few wounds and move on from some painful feelings I had stored inside, that let me to focus on my emotional wellbeing and mental health, that helped me get rid of unwanted/imposed shame or guilt, that led to a sense of peace and more freedom in my life. Last month, was one of the least productive months ever, but one of the best months in my life because of the time spent focusing on making myself feel better and because: I experienced a lot less of work related stress; I read more/listened to podcasts/attended to lives and that helped shift my mindset and made me realized I had also accumulated some relationships stress so I took actions to get rid of it and that is a big part of why I’m feeling so happy and peaceful in the present. In my opinion (and the only one that matters anyway 🤪), April was a really great month when talking about being, even if it wasn’t a productive one when talking about doing, and that led to me feeling so great in May, to be more free, to have a lot of joy and happiness in the now. So, I don’t darn care anymore about other peoples’ opinions and you wouldn’t too if you would be feeling really happy and start living your life according to your own terms, not society’s.
Something to think about:
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- What is your definition of success?
- Being “productive enough” according to societal standards makes you feel good mentally and happy? If not, isn’t it the time to let go of following those standards?
- What does being “productive enough” mean for you?
- Isn’t it about time to let go of the comparison game?
- Do you need to be “productive enough” in order to feel worthy or valuable as a person? If yes, does this way of thinking help your mental health or does it make it worse?
Happy fact: We all are flawsome, and that means, we are awesome even with our flaws. So, please remember this whenever you start thinking you are not enough or that you are flawed. Because yes, we all have flaws, but that doesn’t make us less than, it just makes us humans, flawsome ones.
