My birthday means a lot to me, it really is a special day, it’s an important occasion when I want to feel amazingly happy and celebrate myself fully. So, after having a bad birthday 3 years ago, I’ve decided that I won’t be celebrating it at home anymore because in 2020 I didn’t get the happy and celebratory day I wanted to have.
I’m gonna explain why I didn’t enjoy my 33th anniversary because I want to show the lessons I’ve learned from having a bad birthday. The story goes like this…
In May 2020 I took an online course that helped me feel more positive and happier, since my mindset has downshifted in the previous months because of the global pandemic we were all in, and that was actually the reason for why I enrolled in that course, to regain my positivity and optimism that were a bit affected (let’s be real, a whole lot) by that climate of fear and uncertainty we have been dragged into. So, even if the circumstances weren’t so good, even if I’ve been having more worrisome thoughts about the future, even if I’d been isolated from my closest ones, June has found me happier and more positive. And that was due to the fact that I was focusing on the bright side of things like, being healthy and strong, having more free time to engage in my hobbies, starting the meditation practice on a regular basis, meeting new people online and connecting with them, learning some techniques to improve my mental health, loosening of the restrictions that meant we could go to parks and enjoy a coffee/meal outdoors.
So, I thought I would experience a great birthday because I was feeling pretty good mentally and also, because I had planned to meet up with a friend to celebrate myself later in the day, and in those moments we all needed to find some reasons to celebrate life. But, when I called my friend to tell her I want us to go to a cake shop closer to my home because the hosts of the online course that just ended announced they would do a bonus webinar exactly on my birthday and I don’t want to miss it, she said to go out on another day. Yes, that upset me because I made plans only with her, especially since there was enough time to enjoy a piece of cake given the fact that we’re supposed to meet at 5 PM and the webinar was at 7 PM, but also it bothered me that my friend made it all about her saying it’s better to go out another time because she couldn’t eat meat that day due to religious post she was in and that I can celebrate my birthday afterwards, it doesn’t have to be in that particular day. The reason I haven’t made an earlier plan with someone else was because, my other friend I have back home didn’t call me the day before or some time around my birthday to ask what my plans are or how I’m celebrating, instead she expected me to invite her someplace, even though on her special day I am calling her ahead of time and ask about what she has planned and I am taking her out for a piece of cake when my friend says she’s not having any plans of enjoying her birthday. And I’m always doing that, I even took her out on her important day in July 2020, a little after I felt hurt by her non-initiative when it came to my important one.
The problem was that, I had expectations from my closest friends, I put my happiness in their hands when it supposed to be in mine and wrongly, I expected them to do what I would have done, despite the fact that we are different people with different ways of doing things and living life.
Yes, all my plans were ruined on June 17th in 2020 even though I did try to do something in order to change my mood after my friend’s cancelation, by putting on a beautiful and new dress with the idea of at least enjoying an ice coffee in the park to make myself feel better but the rain came exactly when I was on my way there so, I didn’t experience the happy birthday I wanted and imagined I would have. But I didn’t wrote the whole story to feel sorry for myself or to make me look like a victim because I’m not and also, having all that said, my friends aren’t the bad guy here because there isn’t one in this story (especially since the friend with whom I was supposed to go out made something very special for my birthday a few years back and I really appreciate and never gonna forget that), they just think differently than me, they just have a different opinion about the annual celebration and the approach to it, and the reason for why I wanted to explain in detail how things went on my b-day 3 years ago is to let you know some lessons I learned because of how that day unfolded:
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- I must give myself what I want and not expect from those around to give it to me because they might not know what I really want or might not realize what a big deal is for me to receive it;
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- To not put my happiness in the hands of others because I’m the one in charge with making myself happy, even on the most important days of my life, actually, especially on those;
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- We don’t have the same idea about how our birthday should look like and since we get to see things mostly just from our own perspective, we don’t stop to really think about what our loved ones would want on their special day and instead, we project our own view about that occasion and act on it;
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- The importance we give to things is very different and because of that, my birthday means more to me than their own birthday mean to other people;
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- Yes, I would have loved the closest persons in my life to spoil me on my birthday or make me feel special, but they have their own life, their own struggles and they might not be available then or have the right mindset to think of me as much as I would like. And that, is perfectly fine and really great to spoil myself, to take charge of the most important day and to make it magical myself;
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- To have no expectations for my b-day. Ok, I found that it’s pretty impossible to have none whatsoever, but at least I did lower them as much as I could;
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- To change the environment on that period of time if isn’t one conducive to having a beautiful birthday;
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- To not impose my own perspective on my loved ones and listen to what they want and need on their special day;
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- To celebrate myself fully, even if I’m doing it alone;
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- To buy myself flowers for my birthday because it is the only way I can be sure I will have flowers on that day.
So, for the last 3 years I’ve been following these lessons (almost, since I’m not perfect and I don’t ever try to be because I know better 🤪) and I had great birthdays even if 2 of them I spent only with a very small group (well, it was just me, myself and I, so yes, I can say it was a pretty small group 🤣). And you might wonder, how can I say they were great when I’ve been celebrating alone? Well, let me tell you a bit about how I spent my latest birthdays.
The first thing I said to myself 3 years ago was, I’m not gonna celebrate my birthday at home anymore since this time I didn’t get to enjoy my special day at all. And I did just that. In 2021 I traveled to Brasov when I spent the first part of my b-day on my own, in the evening I celebrated by having dinner at a friend’s home (thank you one more time, dear Cami) and afterwards we had scheduled the online meeting with our group of friends where I received one of the best presents ever, a video with amazing birthday wishes and beautiful thoughts made by the whole group (a tradition we kept for an entire year in order to make a special video for everyone). In 2022 I went to Sighisoara for a week so I got to be completely alone on the annual anniversary in a location I haven’t stayed before and I enjoyed spending a few days in the relaxing mode, surrounded by peace and silence. And this year I traveled to Piatra Neamt on Friday morning so I can enjoy the birthday weekend away, thus ensuring it will be a peaceful and happy one.
The thing is, I’m not going away anymore to celebrate my birthday somewhere else just because I had a “failed celebration” a few years ago, no, I moved past that, now I’m doing it more like a gift to myself for some reasons:
1. I get a change of scenery and that is so good for my overall wellbeing;
2. I’m visiting new places and trying new things is something that really makes me happy;
3. I am the kind of person who loves and needs silence, who craves alone time, for whom the ME TIME is sacred and since I don’t live alone just yet, in order to be sure I’m having a peaceful, worry free and uneventful birthday, I have to celebrate it elsewhere but home.
4. I’m the only one in charge of my celebration so the chances for disappointments to arise are pretty slim.
5. I’m making myself happy by gifting me what I wish for, so I do get to receive what I want and not expect others to do that for me because most likely they won’t.
So yes, I really enjoyed my anniversary this year and it was a great one even if no one was there to spoil me, make me feel loved or special that day, because: I got to visit a city I never visited before; I went to a bookstore and bought a book I had on my wishlist since it’s a tradition of mine to gift me at least one book for my birthday; I ordered 2 different types of cake to make sure I will be eating at least one good piece since I have never eaten cake in Piatra Neamt; I walked in the rain with a smile on my face and not getting an ounce of worry or bad mood for raining a lot on “my day”; I went to the art museum because I love to visit this kind of museums and look at the paintings for a little while; I took myself out to celebrate my 36th anniversary by enjoying a delicious meal and a cocktail, and even wore a new dress for that occasion; I danced on my own in the hotel room because I was happy to be alive, because I was feeling so empowered for taking charge of my b-day and not wishing to have celebrated it differently, and because I was feeling proud of the person I am today. Also, this year I did have flowers on my birthday because I learned the lesson from last year and I bought a bouquet on Friday evening since not having any flowers on June 17 2022 was a bummer.
Someone told me that buying flowers for myself is somewhat pitiful but I disagree completely, on the contrary, I think it’s very empowering and since I love flowers so much and I strongly believe that it’s a must to have them on my birthday, I did buy a bouquet for me this year because on my last anniversary I got a little disappointed for not having any flowers to look at on ”my day”. Flowers make me happy, books make me happy, and I have to buy some for myself in order to be sure I will be as happy as I can when I want the most to be. I believe that in a perfect world I would have received flowers and books on the most important day of the year 🤪 (or at least, a voucher to buy myself the books I wanted to read), but living in the real world has taught me that I have to be the one in charge of my happiness because that’s the only way to be sure I will be experiencing it. So no, buying yourself flowers or giving yourself the experiences/things you want isn’t pitiful, it’s an act of self-love, it’s empowering and is something that I will continue to do for myself because it makes me happy.
The conclusion is, by putting myself in charge of my birthday I did experience the happiness I wanted to feel that day, I did spoil myself and not expected others to do that (especially because they really didn’t), I did feel empowered since I didn’t need someone else to make my day feel special because I did that for myself. And, in the name of the transparency I’m always trying to show, I confess the fact that I did feel a slight disappointment on that day, besides all the happy feelings I experienced. That was because, like I said before, I think it’s impossible to get rid of all expectations, so I did expect to receive a gift from 2 of my friends and not because I gifted them something on their birthdays. No, it’s because in my world (aka my mind 🙃), you show your closed ones what you feel for them through actions, not only words, and for me, it’s a must to give a small token of love/appreciation on their important day to the persons I have close relationship with because they get to celebrate themselves fully just one day a year and they deserve to feel special, loved and spoiled. But, that was another lesson learned and for sure, from now on I won’t be expecting too much from those around me for my birthday, since almost all my expectations were blown away.
P.S. Even though maybe it’s not something you’re used to, putting yourself in charge of your most important day feels empowering, it takes the power away from those around and the power comes back to you, it guarantees more happiness because you know what you really want or need, it’s a gift to yourself, it is an act of self-love. Yes, in an ideal world our loved ones would make us feel special on our b-day, would spoil us with presents and would take us celebrating, but:
1. We don’t live in an ideal world, so we have to get real;
2. Among our loved ones we are included ourselves too, so giving ourselves what we wish for it should be pretty normal;
3. If we think that buying ourselves flowers/presents on our birthday is pitiful, then it is. But if we think it is empowering, then it is. It’s just our own perspective of looking at things and that it’s only a matter of choice, our choice;
4. If we don’t love ourselves the way we want to be loved, how can others do that? If we don’t treat ourselves with care and kindness, why should others?
5. Our happiness is our own responsibility, not that of those around us.
