Being diagnosed with ADHD

     First of all, the diagnosis process differs from country to country and from person to person. Secondly, there are a lot of emotions that come up after receiving such a diagnosis, not just positive or negative. And thirdly, the constellation of emotions is different for each and every person, the intensity of them is different, but there is a lot of overlap and many people relate to others’ experience after a late diagnosis or feel seen when they hear/read about what another late diagnosed person is feeling. So, I’m writing about my own experience in the hopes of helping another human being feel less alone, more understood or seen/heard. And I’ve started a new series called “My ADHD diary” on my Instagram page, in which I will be sharing my journey and a whole lot more about ADHD, so check it out at @happieryou.ro.  

     The road to diagnosis hasn’t been a straight forward one because the first psychiatrist I went to misdiagnosed me and actually told the psychologist who was supposed to give me the tests, to only assess me for anxiety and depression. And yes, I asked the psychiatrist again at another session to assess me for ADHD, especially since the tests showed that I didn’t have depression, something I was vehement about at the first meeting when that was the diagnosis she came up with. That’s because I knew how depression felt because I had already met her before, not just once. Also, because I was studying happiness for a while and I knew about the happy chemicals, I told the psychiatrist that I didn’t have a serotonin problem, but a dopamine one. And, even though some symptoms of ADHD overlap with those for generalized anxiety disorder, I also knew it wasn’t the right answer because feeling so anxious was more new, but the things that led me to believe I have ADHD were a part of my life for a long time. And yes, at that point I had a higher level of anxiety due to some life circumstances, but I knew it wasn’t the underlying cause because it didn’t explain everything and also because the constellation of symptoms that impacted my life wasn’t a recent visitor, but a roommate I tried to ignore, make go away or hide, for years and years. But the first psychiatrist didn’t listen to me, didn’t tell the psychologist to add just one test for ADHD in the mix since I asked her again to consider the idea, didn’t even question me enough about my past symptoms or why I strongly believed that the diagnosis she put in the first 10 minutes of meeting me, was the wrong one. The thing is, I didn’t go to her and said “I have ADHD, give me pills” because that wasn’t my intention, I didn’t even take the pills for depression and anxiety she prescribed to me, but what I said when I went to her the first time was “I believe I have ADHD”. And when I asked a second time to be assessed for it, she said “You make me believe that you want pills” because I insisted since she didn’t listen properly to me the first time I saw her, but I told her “No, I really want an answer”. Of course, she said I already had an answer and I should take the pills she prescribed to see that she was right. So, it took some time to get the right diagnosis and me going to another psychiatrist for it to happen. And that’s because, I still went to the first one a few times before deciding to look for another one who would listen to me, who at least would consider the idea of ADHD, and I also accepted to work with the psychologist the first psychiatrist referred me to in order to deal with the generalized anxiety disorder she diagnosed me with. But I knew it wasn’t the right call, I felt it in my bones, as they say, because after reading some articles about ADHD in women and doing a few online tests which were a guide that let you consider the possibility of this diagnosis when the score was heading in that direction, I had an AHA moment and I finally felt understood and seen. And the pieces of the puzzle came together after learning about the symptoms of ADHD, how it manifests in women and analyzing my whole life. 

     So I went to another psychiatrist, one who really listened to me, one who didn’t ignore me because I wasn’t outwardly hyperactive, as the first one put it leading me to believe I knew more about how it shows up in women than her (especially when she said that I don’t have it because I should have seen what the room is like with a child who has ADHD). And yes, I took into consideration generalized anxiety disorder and I read about it, but even after that I was still convinced I was being misdiagnosed and worse, I felt not listened to and totally ignored. Therefore, after being assessed by a second psychologist, actually it’s more accurate to say a psychologist because the first one didn’t assess me for ADHD, I received the diagnosis from the second psychiatrist who put everything together: her discussions with me, the test results, the psychologist’s assessment, my past experiences, etc. The diagnosis confirmed what I already believed, so for me being diagnosed with ADHD wasn’t earth shattering or shocking because I have had my realization some time before that. But, even though it was more like a confirmation than a new reality setting in and it wasn’t a huge deal intellectually, emotionally was another story, so a lot of emotions came up, I felt validated and relieved, and most of all, heard and seen. Also, because I had already understood that my brain works differently and not in the sense that it is neurodivergent since only more recently I thought of this being the case, but in the sense that all brains work differently and mostly importantly, the way they work is influenced by our circumstances and environment, I have realized before the diagnosis that there wasn’t something wrong with me, so I felt relieved that a specialist agreed with it too. And in terms of behavior, I stopped masking my symptoms because I hurt myself enough for doing that my whole life. And I stopped wasting energy trying to appear neurotypical, hiding my messiness/fails/mistakes and trying to keep up with neurotypical standards, especially since I currently don’t even have enough energy for that, both physically and emotionally. So, being diagnosed made me feel like I could place the last piece of the puzzle and then glue it together because finally it was right, because finally I have found the missing piece and all of them fit together perfectly, forming the picture I have seen glimpses of, more and more lately.      

     My road to diagnosis wasn’t as straight forward as it was for other people, but also not as hard or winding as it was or still is for many human beings, especially women. And I believe it was easier in some way because I was older, over thirty five, so that meant I knew myself better, I was able to spot patterns, to stop the masking and really see where I was struggling or hiding, to keep steady in my inner knowing and not let someone who not only didn’t know me, but didn’t even listen to me, lead me astray. And most importantly, to advocate for myself when I knew someone was wrong, although that someone was a specialist in a sense, in a sense because it wasn’t specialized in ADHD, it was a general psychiatrist. And I have to add here the fact that, not only it didn’t feel the right diagnosis because there were some missing gaps which the generalized anxiety disorder didn’t explain and the ADHD did. But also the fact that, the psychiatrist focused more on the present symptoms while saying someone would have noticed symptoms in my childhood, when in fact the research on women shows that’s not usually the case and a lot of girls remain undiagnosed until later on in life, and she didn’t even give me one of the tests they use for ADHD screening. The thing is, I was one of the people who have done their research before going to the psychiatrist and because of that I knew what questions to ask, what ADHD looks like in women and I had a general idea about the topic, so I also knew intellectually that was the wrong answer, I didn’t just strongly believe it. And I read some more about ADHD and GAD after the initial session with the first psychiatrist because unlike her, I did listen and I did keep my mind open, so I did at least entertain the idea that I could be wrong, even though it didn’t feel that way.   

     Just a caveat here. I never thought of having ADHD because I wasn’t hyperactive externally and that’s how I believed people with ADHD are, although internally it was a different story. So, I basically stumbled upon this realization after firstly reading about other conditions that some of the symptoms I was experiencing might have been part of, like obsessive compulsive disorder or autism. And I didn’t even think to first read about what ADHD actually means, how it looks like in adults or women because it was not something that I was truly considering since what I knew (almost nothing) didn’t make me believe it was even a choice for me. But I stumbled on an article about ADHD in women after reading about other different things that might explain the hyperactive mind, overthinking, intrusive thoughts, etc, and at that moment I felt closer to the truth, so I started reading more articles about it. Then I did some indicative tests, I read some more, and for the first time in my life I felt truly seen and understood. I also finally felt that this explained everything and something clicked into place. And after learning more about ADHD in women, I realized that it would have been so easy to see all the signs if I would have known what to look for because it was so obvious.  

     So, the diagnosis brought some feelings to the surface because I have been pushing them down for a while and I only let myself fully feel the emotions after being diagnosed. It’s like I’ve been waiting to give myself permission to acknowledge those feelings and feel them because I didn’t have the 100% certainty I was looking for, even though it was pretty high, above 90, and also because my mind was focused more on my body since a health issue required her attention more. And I’m still not done processing all the emotions because a late diagnosis brings not only: perspective; relief; a sense of finally belonging; the great confirmation or validation that it was never anything wrong with you, your brain is only working differently; the joy of understanding why you made those past decisions/choices/mistakes; the “I told you so” feeling when you discover you were right all alone for believing that you were different, not broken; the rush of excitement because you have new things to learn about your brain and even yourself, strengths to lean on or discover; hope that things will get better because now you know what you’re dealing with; the happiness of decoding some mysteries about yourself and your life; and other positive emotions. But a late diagnosis also brings: pain for your younger self knowing she struggled too much when she didn’t need to; grief for what could have been/the life you could have lived if you had been diagnosed earlier; anger for being made to believe that was something wrong with you when it never was, that you are broken when you are not and never were; disappointment because you or others haven’t seen it sooner; fear or uncertainty for the future because in some ways is a new, uncharted territory; anger for being made to feel ashamed and being judged your entire life for struggling/messing up/finding things harder than other people when you actually needed different systems, understanding and support; loneliness if you don’t have in your life someone you can relate to or support you the way you need; regret for not being kinder to yourself at times or for pushing yourself to adhere to neurotypical standards that were not made for your different brain; doubt at times because, even though you know with your whole being that it is the right answer, now it feels easy in a way since it’s not an unknown thing anymore after all this time when you were uncertain, when there were only questions but not a clear answer, when you thought it was you who were the problem for most of your life but you were actually wrong; and other unpleasant or even painful emotions. 

     Yes, it takes a bit of time to process everything, especially since there are years of internalized shame and pain and other painful feelings, so if you are recently diagnosed (whether it has been a few days, weeks or even months- as is my case), let me make it perfectly clear that, it is totally okay to feel this way or feel this way still. And whether it may come as a shock for you or it may be a confirmation of what you already knew deep down inside, it doesn’t matter, the process will take how long it will take. Also, all emotions that come up are valid, normal and you are entitled to feel your feelings. 

     My diagnosis did make me happier because it gave permission to stop masking, to stop hiding what I’m feeling or when I’m struggling, even though in the eyes of others I shouldn’t since things are not that hard/bad/tough. And, although I will still be judged and criticized by people who don’t understand or care that my brain is different so this means that I will keep struggling with easy or mundane tasks because they are not interesting enough for my brain/I will keep feeling intensely and being “too sensitive”/I can’t or won’t do things the “normal way”/I will find some of the things harder than neurotypical people do/etc, I feel a sense a freedom too because I no longer try to fit neurotypical standards or appear “normal”. 

P.S. I wrote about my story because, yes, even though there are people who are being misdiagnosed with ADHD but in reality they have something else, the research shows that the opposite is true much often. So, there are a whole lot more people who are being misdiagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder or borderline personality disorder or something else, but what they actually have is ADHD. Also, I wanted to help/inspire/gently push you to advocate for yourself when the answer doesn’t feel right or to at least ask for another opinion when you strongly believe that you have been misdiagnosed. And I’m not referring only to ADHD, I want to encourage you to speak up/advocate for yourself whenever you feel like a doctor/clinician/specialist misdiagnoses you. Because they might be a specialist in that area, but you are the specialist in YOU, you are the only one who knows exactly how it feels/where or how it hurts/what has changed/what was always there/how much it impacts your life/what is your actual experience/and so on.